We are taking small steps to finishing the house - as much as I love renovating and designing, I am tired of plastered walls and half-laid flooring. I am restless for barbecued salmon, wine and salad on the terrace, a modern guest bathroom of deep slate walls and plush white towels. We dream of hot, bubbling nights on the decking, sipping crisp wine and laughing into condensated glasses.

In the back of my mind lies unstirred trepidation,  preying on my active thoughts like a bloodthirsty lion. I feel it waiting, heavy in my chest. I wonder how long it will take to shake this - or whether, over time it will grow smaller and smaller until I no longer feel it. The weight of adult life still carries itself painfully on my bones: Although I feel them groan day by day, they are growing and it makes me stronger. This will be my first September where I do not walk back through school gates and that bring with it a new phase of life. No longer am I dictated by terms and holidays and WHSmith shopping in late August - my life revolves around weekend plans, evening dinners and work to do lists.

It feels like almost everday I am dreaming of halloween, christmas, birthdays and new year. At work, christmas has began and it bears itself heavy on my heart. Still, we talk of days in Australia and Florida like they are only around the corner. Life feels short like that, and then in the same days so incredibly long. Some nights I see our young lives, wild and free in white sandy shores, yet others I see Taza, Anna, Jo and Bleubird calling me back to mamahood. Really, in this moment in time I know I am rooted and so my wings are clipped. all that will change before I can catch my breath.


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