To Be or not To Be

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I'm only 20 - I'm still in university, still very young, and still finding my feet. I feel as though I am on the edge, waiting (im)patiently to explore the wonders of this strange, strange world. There are times, like today - sat idly waiting for the plumber to arrive - that I find inspiration and realise where I really want to be heading.

I relentlessly plead my boyfriend about a life abroad - a life in the sun, by the sea and piles of fresh produce on our doorsteps. I can never seem to stress enough how much I want this - I've flooded the apartment with travel magazines, Australia tourist guides, snippets and cut outs of articles from Down Under.... the list goes on. Although, he is (as usual) ultimately right - we need to set a firm foundation in order to be able to have the finer things in life... Which, for us, means a life by the sea, carefree finances and, hopefully one day, a boat.

Like most 20-somethings, I can never decide what kind of 'life' I want to lead. I bubble with joy over the thought of Mulberry and Louis Vuitton presents peaking through tissuey wrapping... But at the same time can't think of anything more fulfilling than a life of simple pleasures in the form of home grown food, yoga-practicing and keeping chickens. I know it's possible to live a life of both, but I've always been someone who would rather spend £10,000 on travel, furniture, investing and country club memberships than a girl's dream car (sob, audi TT). I find it hard to part with money on anything other than travel - which I can rack up a guilty bill and try to click away at lightning speed in order to pass over it quickly... 

I can physically feel my heart aching for a greater beyond. I am not yet (and wonder whether I truly ever will be) content with being content. Instead, I am forever lusting an island a thousand miles off shore - as though I am homesick for a place I have never been. My insatiable hunger to travel the world and see things has become so great that I can almost taste the sour longing in the back of my throat. Sometimes, I get disheartened that people around me feel this is a passing phase, a pipe dream, or a fantasy. It may be all these things - but obtainable, in some way, in some how, it is. I know this to be true. I don't need suitcases of bags, shoes and clothes. I need flights, visas, determination and notepads filled with itineraries. I hope one day to sit down with my children and show them old photos of where I went on my travels. I hope to tell them all about my life and every dream, town and person I have encountered. I hope what I tell them excites them to the core about what a wonderful and amazing place this world truly is.

For me, two lives that I feel the most torn between are luxe (Rosie 'The Londoner', Emily 'C&C') where I save for expensive J Crew jackets, spa treatments, beautiful antique furniture and expensive mani and pedi's...... and the life of Mama in 'The Road is Home' (or the sailing life of World Tours). I think there's a good chance that becoming a mother will push me into this life though - rolling beaches lounging naturally topless and carefree, being at one with nature, making home grown food, centering around family and letting my children frolic in the muddy puddles of life.

Here's the dividing borders between the two...


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