Painting wasted mornings

I've been looking for God in all the wrong places.

I don't know what secondment means and more importantly I don't care for what it means. I should have realised from that first mechanical question that this whole industry was further from me than anyone speculated. I lost my appetite for travel - my wanderlust for the great beyond that was eclipsed by something bigger. Something more permanent shaking my world and moving rocks from under my feet. I stand, quivering hearted with a heavy tongue. With a new postcode, a new town and new country paths to forge into my own. Somewhere in the midst of frosted windows and burlap sacks, dusted pastry parcels filled with cinnamon spice, I buried the burning desire for new lands. My bones that once ached with a tangible noise that shook my entire being now silenced. 

The cut outs from Condè Nast Traveller and marie Claire that flooded my dining table through waking hours. Papers freying and dulled from blunt fingertips, ideas and dreams that have, too,done the same. Now filed neatly into the corners of books, tucked into the impermeable membrane of my mind. 

With days that tread harsh footsteps on our brains- that claw like sharp fingernails down soft, tender flesh and seep into our nightmares beyond our control. These days that break us into pieces so small they are almost nothingness. But almost is not enough, we are forever fused together with the promise of a new dawn that keeps us searching for new answers in places we didn't look. 

My skin yearns for hot days, sun blessed afternoons in new places. To drink sweet red wine by moonlight, sleep in sheltered campfire tents and learn Italian in the bath tub on idle Sunday afternoons. 

There are still fresh berries to be picked, temples to be explored, watercolours to mix, knees to be scraped, oceans to swim in, trees to climb, pictures to take, sunsets to watch, spaghetti to eat, boats to sail, ice cream to taste, fireworks to watch, herbs to grow, birds to hear, road trips to take, cities to see, picnics to eat, parks to wander, yoga to learn, Christmases to decorate, wine to drink, lakes to fish, fires to light, bikes to ride, brunches to eat, candles to burn, snow to touch, roads to travel... Gods to find.


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